We see this most weeks.
A parent brings their 20-month-old in, full of hope. Two other toddlers are right there on the mat. Their child sits down beside them, picks up a scoop, and then ignores all of them for the next forty-five minutes.
We can usually tell what the parent is thinking, because plenty of them ask us at the door. Shouldn't she be making friends by now?
Here is what we tell them: nothing is going wrong. What you just watched has a name. It is called parallel play, and it is one of the most productive things a toddler does all week.
The short version
- Playing beside other children instead of with them is called parallel play. It is normal, and it is meant to happen.
- It is not idling. Your toddler is copying, soaking up language, and practising self-control.
- It is physical too. This is how toddlers build the movement skills that carry an active childhood.
- Singapore recommends 180 minutes of activity a day for 1 to 4-year-olds - and play alongside other children is one of the nicest ways to get there.
- A good class simply packs more of it in: sensory play, songs, movement, and other little people to quietly learn from.
What it actually looks like
Parallel play is two or more children playing near each other, often with the same toys, but not together. No shared goal, no agreed roles, frequently no conversation at all.
It is much easier to recognise once you have seen it.
Watch what is not happening there. Nobody is negotiating. Nobody is fighting either. They are sharing a tray and the same water without sharing an activity, and each one is still quietly clocking what the other does.
That quiet clocking is the entire point.
The stages, in order
The map most of us still use comes from a researcher named Mildred Parten, who spent hours simply watching young children play, all the way back in 1932. Children do not climb these stages like a ladder and leave the lower rungs behind. They move around between them. So do adults, honestly.
| Stage | What it looks like |
|---|---|
| Unoccupied | Not really playing. Watching whatever is interesting |
| Solitary | Deep in their own play, not engaging with anyone nearby |
| Onlooker | Watching other children, maybe chatting, but not joining |
| Parallel | Playing alongside others with similar toys, but not with them |
| Associative | Playing with others, talking and swapping, but no shared goal |
| Cooperative | Organised play towards a common aim, with roles |
Parten never attached age bands to these stages. The ones on most parenting sites were added later by other people, and they contradict each other, so we have left them out. Go by your child, not a chart.
So what is she actually learning?
Three things, while she appears to be ignoring everyone.
She is copying. A toddler sitting beside another toddler has a live, constantly updating demo of what to do with a scoop, a ball, a drum. That is far faster than working it out alone.
She is soaking up language. Every song, every "pour it in!", every bit of chatter from the child next to her goes in, even when nothing comes back out yet. Researchers who followed preschool classes for a year noticed that children picked up language faster when their classmates were stronger talkers. It is a pattern, not proof, but who is in the room does appear to matter.
She is practising self-control. Waiting for a turn. Watching someone else grab the good scoop. Deciding not to snatch it back. This is where that muscle starts getting built, one small moment at a time.
Different rooms, different days, the same thing happening: complete absorption in your own work, with other children an arm's length away.
This is the part we find parents are most relieved to hear. The child who looks like she is ignoring everyone is actually doing the groundwork for friendship: watching, copying, learning how other people work, at a distance that feels safe to her.
The bit almost nobody mentions
Search "parallel play" and you will get a hundred articles about social skills. Almost nobody talks about the physical side, which is odd, because that is where the advice is clearest.
Toddlers move more, and move in more different ways, around other toddlers. One child climbs the step, the second follows. One throws the beanbag, suddenly everybody wants the beanbag. Running, jumping, throwing, balancing: at this age these are things children catch from each other. They get copied far more than they get taught.
Here is a lovely detail from the local research: toddlers hit the daily activity target far more often on weekends than on weekdays. Whatever your family is doing on Saturday and Sunday, it is working, so it is worth protecting on purpose.
What a class actually adds
You do not need us for parallel play itself. A void deck, a playground, or two families meeting up will do the job. The trick is just to put two children near the same activity and then, mostly, leave them alone.
What a class adds is density and design. A Little Forest session is deliberately filled with the things this age thrives on: sensory trays to scoop and pour, songs with actions, movement stations to climb and jump and throw, art to smear, and other small people doing all of it an arm's length away. The same friendly faces every week, which is what eventually lets a toddler move from watching to joining. And another adult's read on your child, which parents often tell us is the most useful part of all.
One thing we will always be straight with you about: as far as we can tell, it is the scooping, threading, pinching and pouring themselves that build those clever little fingers - the other children add the motivation and the copying. That is exactly why we pack so many of those activities into every session. One well-known study found that attention, fine motor skills and general knowledge at school entry predicted later maths and reading better than early maths and reading scores did, so we make sure the hands are as busy as the feet.
Here is roughly what that looks like across the ages:
8 to 12 months. Mini Troopers is all about the senses: textures to squish, sounds to turn towards, songs sung close, and a first taste of sitting near other babies. You are right there with them the whole time.
8 months to 3 years. Little Troopers and Little Mandarin, our playgroup for 1 and 2 year olds is peak parallel-play territory. Sensory play, music and movement, simple STEAM discoveries, in English or Mandarin - with you on the mat, and other toddlers doing their own version of the same thing nearby.
18 months to 5 years. When they are ready to try it without you, Forest Troopers takes drop-offs from 18 months, and Explorers Club runs 2 to 5 years - where all that watching and copying finally blossoms into playing together.
You can browse the full range by age or find us at Kovan, New Bahru and Wan To Play.
The reframe
The head-start instinct is real, and in Singapore it is strong. It usually points parents at things that look like school.
But at 18 months, the thing that most reliably builds a child who copes well with big school is not an early academic start. It is a child who watches other people with interest, tries things, tolerates small frustrations, and moves confidently through space.
That child is being built right now. On the floor, next to another toddler, apparently ignoring them completely.
